Visiting the Doctor Will Be the Death of Me!


I want all the hours I’ve spent waiting and waiting for the doctor, back!  I figured if I were to get all those hours and hours back, it would add at least another 50 years to my life!

Today we went to our heart doctor.  I also have a back doctor, an ear, nose and throat doctor, a foot doctor, a doctor that I can’t figure out what he does (rheumatologist), a doctor that wants to poke things in places he shouldn’t and finally my family doctor who is also a general practitioner and a PCP (Primary Care Physician).

Everyone of these doctors have been taught the exact same thing when it comes to patient care…keep them waiting until they go nuts or die, which ever comes first!  I swear, there must be a course at the doctor school that tells doctors how to train their nurses and administrative staff on how to push patients around from room to room.  These nice people can make us patients think that something very important is going to be done in the very next room so we happily follow them around, room to room, hour by hour!

Now nurses are the nicest people in the world.  I’ve known a lot of them and even one of my young relatives is a super nurse although she’s in-charge of all the nurses in a pregnant women’s hospital.  I hope she never has to see me on a professional basis!

Anyway, the nurses I know are really nice.  They smile a lot and say kind things all the while following their doctor’s orders.  Still smiling, the first thing they tell you is to get on the scales!  Sometimes, I just go in for a shot, so why do I have to be weighed?  I think this is their way of telling you that something is wrong with you right from the start or you wouldn’t be here, right?

Notice, they have replaced the old metal scales you used to weigh on; they broke, not your fault, right!  Well, these new scales are totally electronic.  They can store your weight from now until eternity so if someone in, say 2138, wants to know how much you weighed, yep, it’s right there in the electronic records!  And, did you know, the information on that scale, that tiny little window In front of you now showing an impossibly large number, can be displayed any where they choose!  Now you know why you hear laughing in other rooms!

So still following doctors orders, they bring you in to this room and shut the door so you can’t see what’s going on outside (I’ll get to that in a minutes)!  They make pleasant small talk while taking your temperature, blood pressure and pulse. They never tell you the readings for these vital signs unless you ask and then I think they make things up.  I know that sometimes when I’ve been waiting a particularly long time in the waiting room, I’m pretty hot under the collar if you know what I mean.  So, if I ask about my temperature or blood pressure, how can they tell me it’s pretty close to normal when I know that can’t be true.  Why, the temperature thing was too hot to handle when she took it out of my mouth and I blew the blood pressure cuff clean off my arm and across the room!  Normal, ha!

The nurse then leaves you in a sterile room which by sterile means there’s absolutely nothing to eat in that room which is disturbing since you know you could quite possible die from starvation by the time the doctor actually finds you. Then while leaving, the nurse tells you the doctor will be in to see you shortly.  Why do they say that when they know the doctor isn’t within 50 miles of the place? Of course, they’re hoping he’ll actually show up soon, just depends on whether the movie he/she is watching is over or the basketball/football/baseball game they are attending has finished. I just know the doctor can’t be in the same building I’m in or he/she would be here!  Right?

Now the nurse has to leave you alone in this room because her next duty is to go where the room thermostat is located and start jacking up the temp to 150 degrees or lowering it to freezing.  She has to do this just right so as not to make you get up and open the door!  Oh, no!  You can’t do that or you’d see the party that’s going on right outside your door!  Believe me, it’s true; I’ve peeked!

And those chairs in these exam/torture rooms have to be the hardest chairs ever constructed by man!  And that’s a fact.  History has recorded these same exact chairs in ancient Roman doctor offices and even back to Adam and Eve in the Garden.  Those two were specifically told not to sit in those chairs but of course, they did and that’s why we have them today! Honest truth!  My back side will be sore for a week after my doctor’s visit and it ain’t because of some exam he did, either!

So, eventually, after you have now aged quite considerably, and three days later, your doctor makes his grand entrance.  He’s busy looking at your paperwork trying, for all his might, to find what your names are because he can’t remember in a million years!  Of course, if you introduce yourselves first, like, “Hi, I’m Mrs. Outrageous Bunions or I’m Mr. Sky-High Blood Pressure And No, I’m Not Taking My Medicine”, then he’ll know you immediately.

Your doctor says all your tests came back negative.  You think you’re relieved until it dawns on you that you’ve not done any tests lately so what’s he talking about?

Ok, so I’m not writing about your doctor, I’m writing about all that time you spent waiting just to see him or her.  If you add it all up, you would be amazed at all the millions and millions of hours you could have been doing something else, anything else.

But, I bet you’ve already got your next doctor’s appointment scheduled, don’t you?  Man, oh man, you must have a very good doctor and I hope you live forever!

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